A chilly day in Tucson

Today the three of us had an inside day as we got a small taste of what our new life in Seattle will be like in a years time. It has been cold for the past few days in the desert, but today it rained all day, preventing most walks and other outside activities. For dinner we put on our rain gear and had a brick oven pizza at one of our favorite restaurants in town. Harper got extra cozy for the trip and we couldn't stop staring at her in her bunting. If we get to wear clothes like this in the northwest, I think we'll fit in just fine.

morgan

It has been a tender, tear-filled, difficult week.  Our friends' three-year-old son, Morgan, died on Wednesday after being in the Pediatric ICU for seven weeks after nearly drowning.  Morgan's dad is in Brady's MBA program.  The entire thing seems like a horrific dream that I will wake up from.  Being a mother has made the experience so much more tender for me.  Each time I have rocked Harper to sleep since Morgan passed away, I have savored the time with my baby girl realizing the fragility of life and ached for Morgan's sweet parents.  I am so grateful for an eternal family and the peace that Morgan truly is in a better place and is preparing for the day when he can be reunited with his parents and little brother.

Morgan's funeral was a wonderful tribute to a vibrant, happy boy.  His parents, Victor and Jenedy both gave sweet talks filled with love and memories of their son.  Their stake president also spoke and I loved his perspective on their having lost Morgan.  He said: "Children are an important part to how we receive joy. The power of the atonement is what allows us to convert sorrow and grief and transform it into joy. It’s difficult to understand at this time, but in Doctrine & Covenants 101:36 it says - “Wherefore fear not even unto death for in this world your joy is not full, but in me, your joy is full.” Today we’re here to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. That’s why we’re here, to do what we can to help and to tell this family that we love them. However we could be here mourning for joy lost, as Morgan is no longer with us. But because of our knowledge of the gospel and the atonement, and the plan of salvation, I submit to you that we are here to mourn for joy postponed. That is a promise from our father in heaven, that joy will be returned."  My favorite was part was when he said we are not mourning joy lost, but joy postponed.

The closing hymn was "Behold! A Royal Army" and I found myself thinking it was an unexpected choice.  Morgan's first name was Victory (a derivative of his father's and his grandma Victoria).  As we neared the chorus, my eyes drifted ahead and I suddenly understood why we were singing it and I couldn't stop crying:

Victory, victory,
Thro’ Him that redeemed us!
Victory, victory,
Thro’ Jesus Christ our Lord!
Victory, victory, victory,
Thro’ Jesus Christ our Lord!

Oh, when the war is ended,
When strife and conflict cease,
When all are safely gathered
Within the vale of peace,
Before the King eternal,
That vast and mighty throng
Shall praise His Name forever,
And this shall be their song.

Oh for that day when the war has ended and we are gathered in that "vale of peace."  After the funeral ended, we all met outside and were given a blue or white balloon and then released them together.  It was a poignant way to end as we all stared heavenward and watched as they floated from sight.  There is so much in this life, our future and eternity that is out of our sight and beyond our understanding.  How grateful I am for a Heavenly Father who loves us and does not leave us comfortless.   I believe He will surround Morgan's family with angels, has sent them unimaginable strength to go on and gave us His Son so as to reunite us with our loved ones one day.

six months, part II

six months and counting

How is this little lady six months old?  I can't believe she is already half way to a year.  But I can't really remember life before her.  Harper is filled with smiles and shares them readily with anyone who will talk to her.  She wakes up most of the time talking and chirping for someone to come get her so we can start the day or continue where we left off. 

How I was blessed with this joyful, lively little spirit is beyond me.  I love watching her learn and master new skills, which she seems to be doing on a daily basis.  Harper uses her tiny hands so delicately as she explores.  I promise to write a post soon about something other than my baby girl, but for now just enjoy with me her twinkling eyes and contagious smile.

6 Months!!!

Today was Harper's 6 month birthday! While Mommy and Daddy were wallowing in their sorrows of time passing too quickly, Harper seemed to grow even more before their eyes. She has never been more happy, smiley or squawky.

To celebrate, the three of us tried some solid foods. Harper reached a new level of facial expression. Do enjoy.

With some apprehension, we opened the applesauce.

The first bite

Not quite sure what just happened

One more

Solids aren't so bad

All done!!!

new loves

Harper has recently discovered her toes and is usually holding onto them or reaching for them as she does something else. She'll even try and grab them as she sleeps. I can't blame her for loving them. Baby toes and baby feet have got to be one my favorite things; especially Harper's!

happiest girl in the world

looking out the window

Harper loves sucking on her bottom lip, splashing in the tub, standing on our laps and rolling over. After she discovered how to roll from her tummy to back in L.A. she took a little break. Now she does it all the time and tries with all her might to roll back, but that darn arm gets stuck under her every time.

harper girl in action

This past weekend, we went to visit Brady's sister and meet her new baby girl, Macee. She and Harper are just over five months apart. Brady's parents were in town as well; it was so fun to watch them cuddle their two granddaughters. Harper is excited to have a cousin on the Ashdown side and was very intrigued by Macee. She would watch her constantly and if someone was lucky enough to be holding both girls, Harper would do what she could to have one hand touching Macee. It was very sweet.

Grandpa and his girls

Harper and Macee

Harper playing with aunt Lindsey and 'Glen'pa'
(Harper kept cracking up each time they put their heads together-it was very cute)

our curious little ducky

where you will most often find Harper's hands

playing with Grandpa

a harper fix

Harper turned five months on Friday and I have to say that she is pretty much the most adorable thing. We are so happy to be back in Tucson and let her get acquainted with home. She has done well adjusting and we are all very much enjoying a more peaceful, quiet place. Harper had a four month check up last week. It was late (she was closer to five months) because we were away. I was getting a little worried for the appointment and that Harper was still so teeny. When I put her on the doctor's scale, I knew we had a bit of a problem.

Harper's stats
Weight: 10 lbs 5 oz (less than 1st percentile)
Length: 23 1/4 in (less than 5th percentile)
Head: 17 in (95th percentile)

Let's face it. Most of her ten pounds was her lovely, round head. The doctor came in and actually remeasured it. She was concerned until I let her know that large heads run in the family. Sorry Harper.



Some background is necessary here. When Harper was six weeks old, we discovered she had a severe cow's milk allergy so I cut out all dairy from my diet. When that didn't fix things, her doctor explained that she most likely had a protein allergy and recommended that I cut out most protein from my diet. I was unsure how to do that; she told me to cut out meat. Thus, I became a vegan. Let me just say a new baby+a new mom+a new diet+ a new city= a big challenge (to say the very least). Harper did much better with me on this diet and with a lot of help from Brady, I got used to it. I did it in order to continue nursing Harper, which I would do again in a heartbeat.

Back to Harper's recent check-up. Her doctor was alarmed at Harper's size and explained that we needed to start supplementing with formula. As we talked about Harper's behavior and other details, she said she felt my milk supply was not enough. Harper had refused bottles all summer because she had to have a specialized formula that smells terrible and apparently tastes just as bad. Her pediatrician said to try soy formula. I left the appointment feeling very worried for Harper and discouraged that the aspect of motherhood I thought I had down (breastfeeding) I actually didn't.


The next few days were really hard. I knew Harper was hungry and that I didn't have enough milk to fill her up, but after the first afternoon on her new diet she refused to take a bottle. It was horrible. After Harper randomly took a bottle of breast milk, we began trying different strength cocktails of formula and breast milk. By the time she took a bottle of pure formula I realized the 'X' factor: the nipple. We had several of one kind and only two of a very slow-flow kind from when she was first born. And that was it. From then on, she has been a bottle champ.

I am still nursing and then supplementing as the pediatrician recommended. I spoke to the lactation consultant who had helped us in the hospital when Harper was born who helped me understand what had happened. After a long conversation about Harper and the different challenges we have had (her allergy, reflux, being underweight), she explained to me that preemies can be very deceptive when it comes to breastfeeding. They can even fool lactation consultants. They seem to nurse great, they start out strong, and then after a while they just make the motions of nursing without actually doing it. I knew she liked to sleep on the job and did my best to keep her focused. In the end, Harper was getting almost enough each time she ate. As she ate slightly less than she needed, my body responded by making less and thus a cycle began; she was too hungry to sleep and too tired to eat.



Now looking back on what Harper was like as we left L.A. and our first few days back, I feel sad and guilty that I didn't realize that something was terribly wrong. She was quiet, limp and lethargic. I am so grateful we had our appointment as soon as we got home. I am still a little sad that nursing isn't really working, at least not how I pictured it. But Harper is so much happier, more lively and she's getting squishy. And that's how babies her age are supposed to be. Oh how we adore her. All while we were in L.A. I felt like things weren't quite right with her. She was only getting about ten hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. I worked so hard to get her to fall asleep just to have her wake right back up ten minutes later. My sole focus had been her sleeping and all along the real problem was that she was hungry. Hopefully I won't feel guilty about that forever.

last weekend in the city

We are saying goodbye to Los Angeles tomorrow and mostly we are ready to be returning to our little home in Tucson. We have been away for three months and it feels like even longer. Harper will finally get to try out that beautiful crib of hers, we won't have to tip-toe around on creaky wood floors, and as far as we know, our yelling neighbors are staying here. But we have had a great time, had many weekend adventures and let's be honest, it's been great to be away from the Tucson heat.

We spent our last Saturday here exploring the Fashion District. How did I not know about this place until our last weekend? Apparently it is known to be one of the best places to shop for clothing, accessories, cosmetics and shoes, as well as textiles and flowers. There are more than 1,000 stores and although the majority of shops are dedicated to wholesale business, there is still plenty to buy at 30% to 70% off of retail prices.

It was crowded and hot, but we are really glad we went. Brady and I both got watches and Brady bought a new suit - they threw in a shirt, tie, belt, and socks. We even went down Santee Alley, a famous "back alley" shopping path where I bought a new diaper bag. It was a very successful, enjoyable trip. Harper and I decided we'd better go back on Tuesday and we found two pairs of jeans, a shirt and a pair of red Converse for Harper when she starts walking. I wanted her to have a little something from our time here.

Santee Alley

On Sunday we met Susanna and her family at her in-laws in Santa Clarita. It was a treat to spend the afternoon with them. I couldn't believe how much our girls had changed in the six weeks since we last saw each other! Susanna is such a fantastic mom and I am grateful for all her help and advice. I have looked forward to us having babies and them growing up together and I still can't quite believe that it's happening. We snapped a few pictures of all the girls. I kind of think Josie stole the show.

Harper, Josie and Delia with their moms

a very new trick

Soon after Harper woke up this morning, she did this (see below). I couldn't believe it. The way she did it seemed so effortless, like she had been considering it for a while and worked it out how to do it in her head. It shows what a good night's sleep can do for you.

Thanks for watching. Mainly I posted this video for her adoring grandparents, but any Harper fan is welcome.

celebrate!

Friday was Brady's birthday so Harper and I decided to ride the metro in to the city and meet him to celebrate. We were supposed to meet for lunch, but Harper slept right through that so we met for dinner instead. We went to this little Greek restaurant we found our first weekend in L.A.

On our way there we saw a little strip of street vendors and I asked Brady if he wanted to take a look. It turned out it was actually a movie set made to look like New York city--complete with cars with NY plates, guys in NYPD garb and smoke machines to mimic the subway. It was fun to watch for a while and see the people in the background walk back and forth or "recycle" as they say. I actually thought they were just regular people at first and snuck in to take a picture, but quickly realized my mistake when a woman called out "Ma'am, ma'am back up please." and motioned for me to get out of the shot. Sorry lady. We ended up talking to one 'extra', a woman who was doting over Harper, who told us that it was a commercial for the new 2012 Fiat 500.

the street vendors I was excited about

the new Fiat (not in NYC)

As we made our way home from our metro stop, Brady picked Harper up out of the stroller for the last few blocks. I'm not sure if that's why she was so excited, or if she thought she'd better let everyone know it was her dad's birthday and she was celebrating, but I'm glad I had a camera. Watch for Harper's "happy eyes." The crescent shape her eyes get when she especially happy are our absolute favorite.

the happiest little lady

let's celebrate!

Happy Birthday Brady! We love you and clearly, Harper is thrilled to have you as her dad. She is one lucky girl.

four months!

Our sweet Harper girl is four months old and I cannot believe it. I am completely in love with this little girl and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars that we have her. She is joyful and sweet and seems to be changing every day. I have tried to make sure Harper gets some tummy time every day even though it's not her favorite thing. Then from one day to the next, she could push up on her arms and look at me! I was so excited.

Harper loves her hands and is always sucking on them. Oh how I love those tiny, delicate hands and holding and kissing them!

Her newest sound is the letter B and she seems to love the way it sounds and feels (and the resulting bubbles she can make). I love that I've even caught her making the sound as she's trying to fall asleep.


She loves kicking her legs and usually squeals as she does. I absolutely adore the moon shape her eyes get when she is really happy. There is something mischievous about that smile.

And she seems to love to show us her tiny tummy which we readily tickle and kiss. Oh how we love and adore you sweet Harper!